


Five A Day

by tuesdaymidnight



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Not!Fic, Vegetarians & Vegans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:43:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesdaymidnight/pseuds/tuesdaymidnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Stiles started dating Derek, he didn't realize that Derek was a vegetarian. He also didn't realize he was about to be schooled in all things veggie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five A Day

**Author's Note:**

> This is all [bookjunkie1975](http://archiveofourown.org/users/bookjunkie1975)'s fault. I declared on twitter that I didn't want Derek to be forced into the hyper-masculine food choices box and we got to talking, and then somehow 2K of not!fic about Derek being a vegetarian happened. Also, I used to be a vegan and I very much respect non-animal eaters of the world. This is definitely not intended to poke fun at vegetarianism. I just...pork belly. Mmm...pork belly... 
> 
> And thank you to [coolbreeeze](http://archiveofourown.org/users/coolbreeeze) for beta-ing on the fly and for supplying the title!

Dating Derek was a hell of a lot different than being a passing acquaintance, an ally, or a friend. 

The more Stiles learned about Derek, the more all of his werewolf stereotypes were shattered. There were some things he never thought to ask Scott because, well, sex things weren't something he associated with Scott. Ever. Except that one awkward dream he had freshman year in high school that made him avoid Scott for three days until Scott forced the truth out of him. And then Scott avoided _him_ for three days, and they vowed never to speak of it again. 

But now that he was having regular sex with a werewolf, hormones and moon cycles and strength and stamina and creative use of claws all got a lot more interesting. 

There were other discoveries, too. 

Derek was far more good-natured about dog jokes than Scott. The first time they had sex, Stiles asked if they were going to do it doggie-style, and Derek barked. But after Derek teasingly accused him of bestiality afterward, Stiles vowed to never make another one. He only made it about two hours, but still. Derek could tell when Stiles was lying by his heartbeat, which was totally not fair, because Derek had very few tells. But it also made Derek an obnoxious running partner, because he knew when Stiles wasn't pushing hard enough. 

The first time Derek yelled, “You're not in the cardio zone, Stiles! Pick up the pace!” Stiles tripped over a rock.

The most surprising discovery was that Stiles actually liked Derek. They had a lot in common, and when they weren't being chased by kanimas and darachs and demon alphas, Derek was actually kind of a dork—a super hot dork, but a dork nonetheless.

Stiles was determined to get as much Derek time in before he went away to college. They had only been fooling around for a couple months, thanks to some wolfsbane-laced whiskey during a Spring Break camping trip that the pack forced Derek to come along on. And it was only very recently they realized that they actually liked each other enough to try dating. 

Stiles had a summer gig at the public library, mostly shelving books, but also doing kids' story time and running the summer young readers program. Now that he was doing the “not-lying-about-the-supernatural” thing, he had finally convinced his dad to let him sleep over at Derek's. He was 18, of course, and his dad couldn't technically stop him, but it was nice to have tentative approval. 

After work, Stiles brought a sack of In-N-Out burgers and another of fries covered in cheese and onions over to Derek's loft. 

“Honey, I'm home! I brought dinner. Animal-style, just like you like it.”

Derek came down the stairs and looked so happy to see Stiles, Stiles' heart melted into a little puddle of lovesick goo that firmly froze when Derek's nose twitched and his eyes got wide with horror.

“Um, Stiles, there's something we need to talk about.”

Stiles' stomach dropped as all the horrible possibilities started running through his head: Derek didn't want to date him; some big, bad, werewolf-eating monster had chosen their first full night alone together to invade Beacon Hills; Isaac decided not to make himself scarce that night; Derek wasn't really bi and this was all just an experiment.

Derek reached out and put his hand on Stiles' shoulder, coaxing Stiles out of his minute of panic. 

“Stiles, I'm a vegetarian.” 

“You-wait, what?” 

“I haven't eaten meat since I was seven. I thought you knew.”

“But you ate my meat last night.”

“I'm serious, Stiles.”

That's when Stiles realized that in the two years and five months he knew Derek Hale, they had never had an actual meal together. There was evidence of Derek's eating habits around his loft: protein bar wrappers, empty egg cartons, a colander in the sink—the universal sign of late night pasta-binging—but when Stiles racked his brain, he couldn't think of any evidence of carnivorous behavior. Zilch. None. No burger wrappers, no smell of bacon lingering in the air after breakfast, no obligatory cans of chicken noodle soup in his pantry. 

“But, you're like a wall of muscles.”

“You can get plenty of muscle-building protein from vegetarian sources. Steven Seagal is vegan, you know.” 

“I did not know that,” Stiles said slowly, at a total and utter loss.

Once Stiles made that first discovery, it suddenly became a thing he noticed all the time, and he wondered how he managed to miss it before. Derek had Morningstar corndogs in his freezer and tofu in his fridge—tofu. Derek Hale actually ate tofu. Stiles lived in California his whole life and he had never tried the stuff.

It didn't change their relationship, not really. But Stiles did consciously try to avoid going out to eat with Derek. Derek ordered salads at restaurants. He was _that_ person who ordered fruit as a side dish instead of french fries. Even though french fries were vegetarian, Derek insisted that, “Sometimes they fry them in the same oil they fry chicken.” 

Stiles hadn't been rendered so speechless since Greenberg asked him to prom.

At least Greenberg paid for the limo.

Staying the night at Derek's was a luxury Stiles didn't indulge in very often. He worked early in the morning, and it was a lot harder to leave a bed that had a naked and sleepy Derek in it, so he did the responsible thing and slept at his dad's house most nights. 

He finally got to enjoy waking up in Derek's loft on a lazy Sunday morning, after a night of fuck awesome sex followed by Stiles overheating because Derek was an obnoxious bed-hog. Luckily Derek got up at 5 o'clock that morning to run or do calisthenics or however the hell one got their body to look like a Greek god's, because it gave Stiles an extra few hours of sleep. 

As soon as Derek got up, Stiles starfished out in the middle of the bed. The next thing he knew, Derek was nudging him. 

“Want breakfast?” Derek asked. 

Stiles mumbled into his pillow an affirmative.

He woke up for the second time to the sight of Derek carrying a tray complete with mixed fruit and a homemade frittata—a frittata, with asparagus and goat cheese. 

“This would be really good with bacon,” Stiles said around a mouthful of eggs and cheese. “Oh, I mean. Shit. Or not. It's really good just the way it is,” he finished lamely. 

“It's okay, Stiles. I'm not going to push vegetarianism on you. It's a choice I made for myself.”

Other than the weird restaurant orders, it was totally fine with Stiles. Derek was a really good cook. Apparently he had learned when he was a kid because his mom refused to make him separate vegetarian meals. 

The whole dating thing was going pretty well, until Stiles' dad insisted that Stiles bring Derek over for dinner. 

“I'll grill burgers.” 

“Uh, dad, Derek doesn't eat meat.”

His dad balked. “Him?”

Stiles bit his lip and nodded.

“What is he funny or something?”

“Hey! Plenty of people are vegetarian. It's a healthy lifestyle. You could probably take a lesson from Derek's book.”

“I just never would have guessed it is all, son. He's a big guy.” 

“You know Steven Seagal is vegan.” 

“O-kay,” his dad said. “Have him bring some bean sprouts or whatever. I can throw them on the grill.” 

Stiles tried to talk Derek out of accepting the invitation, but Derek didn't want to make a bad impression. 

“I can't disrespect your dad like that, Stiles. We're dating, and you're, you know, important to me.”

Stiles couldn't say no to that, in fact, to cover up his blush, he might have gotten on his knees and sucked Derek off where he stood. So, maybe Stiles wasn't the best at expressing his feelings. But the night Derek was coming over, he _did_ buy a box of veggie burgers at the grocery store on his way home. 

Stiles was actually feeling pretty good about the dinner until Derek showed up. With his own charcoal grill. And grilled portobello mushrooms and vegetable kabobs. 

“You didn't have to bring your own grill, Derek. There's plenty of room,” the Sheriff said. 

“I didn't want to cross-contaminate.”

His dad whipped his head around to look at Stiles and raised his eyebrow with an “is he serious?” look. Stiles nodded solemnly. 

The vegetables were actually delicious. His dad even ate two kabobs himself. “These are really good, Derek.” 

“I can give you the recipe for the marinade,” Derek said.

“Who are you?” Stiles muttered.

Derek shot Stiles a glare. 

Sometimes Derek would bring Stiles lunch at work. Mrs. Winters, the librarian, would always hit on Derek and then tease Stiles after he left. In spite of the fact that a woman in her late 70s pinched his butt every time, it didn't stop Derek from coming by, or from sneaking avocado into Stiles' sandwich.

“Is that avocado instead of mayo?”

“Healthy fats.” Derek replied with a shrug. 

The more time he spent with Derek, the more concerned Stiles got that Derek loved his juicer more than he loved him. 

“It's wheatgrass, Stiles. Try it. I added a twist of carrot juice for more flavor.”

Stiles raised an eyebrow at Isaac who was sitting at the table, eating the buckwheat pancakes Derek had made them all for breakfast.

Isaac shrugged. “It's not bad.”

Stiles took a tentative sip and then spit it out across the table. He hoped it made Isaac's pancakes soggy.

He learned two lessons that day, first, wheatgrass was just as disgusting as it sounded and second, Isaac wasn't to be trusted. Isaac tried everything Derek made like a champ, even Derek's kale and beet salad. Because Derek Hale knew more ways to use kale than Stiles ever thought possible, that is, if Stiles had known what kale was before Derek Hale came into his life. 

“Kale and beets are both fiber-rich and full of vitamins A and C.” 

“I take a multivitamin.”

“It's usually better to get your vitamins from food sources.”

Stiles pretended his phone was vibrating and left in a rush. “Sorry, emergency at the library. Old school vandals trying to rearrange everything from Library of Congress to Dewey Decimal.” 

Even though Derek claimed not to care that Stiles ate meat, Stiles felt guilty with every piece of bacon. When the McRib came back, Stiles was powerless. He went every day after work for a week. (But it was the McRib! It was only available for a limited time!)

They were making out on Derek's sofa that Friday, or McRibapalooza Day 5, when Derek pulled away and wrinkled his nose. 

“Did you eat at McDonald's today?”

“I brushed my teeth! And used mouthwash!” Stiles buried his face in his hands. “I'm sorry. I knew better. You must think I'm awful.”

Derek pried Stiles hands off his face. 

“It's not the vegetarian thing, Stiles. You choose the most disgusting meat, or meat byproduct. It's like I'm making out with a pig ear. You're always trying to get your dad to eat healthily, Stiles. You could consider practicing what you preach.”

Stiles made it about three days. He convinced his dad to buy organic chicken breasts and everything. 

But then Isaac showed up at the library the day of the full moon with a crazed look in his eyes.

“You okay?” 

“He's making a five bean salad. He claims the iron will help with the, well, you know.”

Isaac still got antsy around that time of the month. 

“In-N-Out?” Stiles suggested.

Isaac gave Stiles a bear hug. Mrs. Winters gave Stiles a _look_. 

The guilt somehow made the burgers taste even better.

Luckily the full moon kept Derek occupied for 24 hours, which seemed to be enough time to get the meat taste off Derek's meat-dar.

The next night, Derek wanted to take Stiles to the movies. Buttered popcorn was Derek's one unhealthy weakness, though he never ordered extra butter. Of course.

When they left the loft and Derek headed toward Stiles' Jeep, Stiles froze.

“Let's take your car.”

“We can't. I'm getting my brakes flushed.” Derek narrowed his eyes. “What are you trying to hide?”

Stiles hung his head as Derek caught sight of the In-N-Out bag. 

Derek clucked his tongue disapprovingly.

“Oh my god, fine. I'll go vegetarian,” Stiles said, throwing his hands up in the air. “Are you happy now?”

“Don't do it for me, Stiles. It should be a personal decision.”

“Well, my person likes your person, and your person is kind of a nag, which apparently is what I'm into.”

“That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.”

“Does this mean we can get extra butter?”

“It's not even real butter, Stiles.”

Stiles banged his head on the steering wheel. Voluntarily. 

“But I'll buy you Raisinets.”

“Chocolate-covered raisins? Gee thanks.”

“We can sit in the back row and I'll blow you?”

Stiles sat up straight. “You, sir, have yourself a deal.”

Maybe going vegetarian wouldn't be so bad.


End file.
